"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others." - Brené Brown
Having healthy boundaries in our lives are necessary because they ensure that our friendships and relationships are mutually respectful, supportive, and kind. Boundaries are a measure of self-esteem and self-worth and they set the basic guidelines for how we want to be treated. Setting boundaries however, isn't the easiest thing to do. In fact, many people feel guilty and uncomfortable when they express their our own needs and desires.
Healthy boundaries are also an important component of self-care. It's how we respect ourselves, and in turn, the way in which we receive respect from others. When we neglect to set boundaries, in essence, we are unconsciously giving permission for others to take advantage of us. This creates patterns of unpleasant experiences and relationships that leave us feeling resentful, depleted, angry, and frustrated.
There is a well known quote that says, "we teach people how to treat us." And what a truth that is! The more we "accept" things that we're not okay with, the more we show someone what they are "allowed" to do. Setting healthy boundaries can have many benefits, including the well-being of your mind, your heart, and your physical health. When you start saying "no" to what doesn't serve you, and "yes" to all that does, you will find your level of confidence increases as well as your self-esteem.
I've shared with you six ways to create healthy boundaries, I hope they help you too.
Clarity is power
You can’t set healthy boundaries if you’re unsure what your own needs and desires are. So, the key is to get clear on what feels right for you, and what feels wrong for you. How do you want to be spoken to? How do you want to be treated? What makes you uncomfortable, stressed, or anxious? These feelings will help you establish what your limits are. Start by making a list of your values, of what's important to you, write down how you want to be treated, and from there any time your values and boundaries aren't being respected, you can communicate with more clarity and confidence because you have been clear on what you will and will not tolerate.
Each time I honour my boundaries I feel more and more confident to express my needs and create space for my desires.
Learn to say no
The word "no," is a complete sentence, but the truth is, this simple two letter word can be quite daunting and stressful to say to others. This is because we have often been met with guilt and poor reactions when we have said "no" to someone who is wanting something from us. So in order to avoid confrontation and people thinking "badly" of us, we appease them and do something we desperately do not want to do. Then the resistance and resentment sinks in and we are left feeling depleted and disrespected. Maybe even taken advantage of. We also feel frustrated with ourselves because we said "yes" when our heart was calling out, NO! Here's something you need to know, when someone asks you to do something and you say no, they are going to move onto the next person. They may even forget they asked you in the first place. And when you actually start saying no, people will respect you, IF they respect themselves. If they don't, they don't deserve your time and energy. Say what you really want to say and don't feel the need to justify or explain yourself. If something doesn't align with your energy, or serve you, don't do it.
Setting boundaries is a normal part of my every day life.
Give yourself permission
Guilt, fear, and self-doubt can often prevent us for standing up for ourselves and expressing our deepest needs. We worry about how others will react and respond to our requests. This is one of the biggest things that stop us from setting healthy boundaries and receiving the respect we innately deserve. One thing that helps me greatly in many aspects of my life, is the act of giving myself permission to do what I need to do. Because the truth is, we tend to wait for permission from others, for someone to tell us it's okay to speak up, to say how we feel about something that doesn't feel good for us. However it's solely up to us to directly communicate our needs because nobody knows what we truly need, only we do. So give yourself permission to set boundaries and know that you are not responsible for how others react, you are only responsible for your own actions.
It’s safe for me to share my boundaries with others.
Tune into your intuition
What is your intuition telling you? What is your energy saying? Your instincts and intuition can help you determine when someone is violating or disrespecting your boundaries. It's also an indication to let you know when you need to set some boundaries. When you find yourself in a situation that doesn't feel good, check in with your body and reflect on how you are feeling. Are you anxious, uncomfortable? Is your heart rate up or do you feel a tightness in your chest? These are some of the many ways your body is communicating a message to you. Ask yourself what part of the experience and encounter made you respond this way and self inquire whether or not you need to set some boundaries, and what those boundaries will be.
I honour myself by honouring my boundaries.
Make self-care a priority
We hear about self-care so often, but how does it relate to setting boundaries? Simple. If you aren't caring for yourself, and respecting the needs of your own mind, body, and soul, you can not expect others to respect those needs. It's important that we are taking care of own wellness and our wellbeing, because when we do, we start to feel more confident and self assured in our choices. In turn we come to a point where we will not allow others to mistreat or disrespect us. Putting yourself first and nurturing your own needs will help you build the inner strength you may require when it comes to setting those healthy boundaries. And just remember, implementing boundaries isn’t selfish, it's an act of self-love. When you say "no" to others, you are saying "yes," to yourself. Take care of yourself first and value your own self worth because when you value yourself, others will naturally value you.
Each and every day I’m becoming clearer and clearer about the boundaries that serve me best.
Like any new skill, effectively communicating and expressing your boundaries takes practice and patience. Begin by setting a "small boundary," one that doesn't scare you too much or make you feel overly uncomfortable. Maybe it's telling your clients that you're only available between certain hours. Maybe it's turning down an invite from a friend or family member, or perhaps it's declining a favour someone asks of you that you know you will later resent doing. When you start "small," you begin to build the boundary muscle and eventually you become stronger the more you exercise and build this muscle. The more you say "no," to that which doesn't serve you, the more aligned you become with your own truth and your own needs.
I am worthy and deserving of setting and maintaining boundaries that feel good and right for me.
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Article written by Vanessa Marie Dewsbury
"I help guide and support women on their Healing and Spiritual Journey in Life and Business."